Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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