there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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