matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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