i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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