If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
