I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
