I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
