I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
