I wish I only lived at night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
