just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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