see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Congratulations! We have a period
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
