Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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