My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
