I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
