Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
