I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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