bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
