Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
