Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
