If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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