Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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