He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
