One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize