New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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