The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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