I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
