I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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