I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
