i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
