giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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