that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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