i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
