he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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