So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
