but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
