whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
