Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
