I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize