Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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