i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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