I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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