my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I didn't notice because vodka
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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