Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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