I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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