even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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