there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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