Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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