two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
