I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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