I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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