ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
