I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize