I'm sorry my penis didn't work
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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