I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
