Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize