I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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