If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
