Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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