Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
