toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
