i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
