I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
