I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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