Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
