Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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