Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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