Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
