she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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