you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
